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    How old are you?

    Lots of kids ask me this question while we are working together. They also want to know whether I have children, how old they are, and whether they have a Wii. And do I have pets? Their parents squirm. Sometimes they ask their child to stop, explaining that these questions are rude. But some kids insist – they argue, or try the same questions again at a later time. After all, only moments earlier I asked them similar questions and they replied politely. So why can I ask whatever I like and they cannot? It’s not fair! Parents look at me sheepishly. You see what I mean? He just doesn’t…

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    Parent question: How do I get my 11-year-old daughter to participate in valuable school activities such as music (she plays the violin), rather than just hanging out with her friends?

    First, I would like to congratulate your daughter for having good friends! Many don’t, and this makes them very miserable indeed. What may seem to us like a useless waste of time is often far from it. By spending time together, children and teens learn and practise many valuable social skills – how to have a conversation, how to negotiate and compromise, how to win and lose graciously, how to share and be kind, what kind of jokes make people laugh, what behaviours get on people’s nerves, etc. Their happiness and success in the future will be directly linked to their ability get on with people – bosses, colleagues, friends…

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    I want one of Those!!! Dealing with kids’ material demands

    As parents, we would like our children to appreciate what they already have. Unfortunately, many kids seem to constantly demand more and more. Why do they always ask for new stuff? And how can we best deal with it? Just a few ideas for you to consider together with some practical tips: · When your children ask you to buy them things, they are usually trying to fulfil valid emotional needs. For example, they may believe that owning a particular monster-shooting game will make them happy or popular, or that a new shiny pair of shoes will give them confidence. Of course, this does not mean that you should get…

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    Parent question – how do I help my daughter with her friendships?

     My eight year old daughter experiences frequent friendship fall outs at school, and from what I have observed I feel that she struggles with putting her point across sensitively and assertively with her friends and tends to try and rail road them into what she wants to do. When they don’t want to do what she wants she resorts to being a bit mean. In fact her school report says that she needs to develop ways to deal with friendship issues kindly and maturely. I don’t think she is solely to blame for the fall outs however it is impacting on her and we notice a change in her behaviour…

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    Three-and-a-half-year-old Emily says …

      Emily’s parents came to see me a few months ago, worried that their daughter was temperamental, clingy, demanding and generally difficult. Having visited them at home, I could testify that their description was accurate! We worked together to better understand Emily’s emotional needs and perspective, and of course, to put some practical skills into place. The skill that was most useful for Emily and her family is called Descriptive Praise. It is about noticing and mentioning little positive changes in a child’s behaviour, using clear and specific language. For three year olds, it is best to describe at least 20 different positive facts every day. When children are so…

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    How to get your way with little kids without raising your voice

      I now see lots of families who have children under five years old. They come to see me in a room full of exciting toys: a Lego farm, a garage with colourful cars, a real doll house with tiny furniture… We sit and chat and play until it is time for the family to leave.  And then the problems start. If I leave the parents to their own devices, I usually hear something like this: Parent: We need to tidy up now. We must put all the toys back in the boxes. Child continues to play, not even looking in the parent’s direction. Parent repeats in a more assertive…

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    Preventing sobbing, tantrums and other dramas

    Some months ago I was interviewed for BBC York Radio. The presenter, Russell Walker, wanted to know How to Calm a Challenging Child! I got a bit cheeky and asked him to pretend he was seven so that I could demonstrate how to prevent supermarket tantrums with him. The secret, which I learned from Noel Janis-Norton, is to prepare the child in advance in a very particular way. However daring I was on live radio, it took me a while to overcome my inhibitions and share this clip with you… It is only five-minute long and is very useful indeed. To listen, click here: avoiding supermarket tantrums Enjoy!  

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    Parent question: Should we let our daughter swap musical instruments?

    My 10 year old daughter has been playing the piano for nearly four years and a few months ago, passed her grade 2 exam.  For most of these years she enjoyed playing but getting her to practice is becoming more and more difficult. I constantly nag her and she only does as little as she can get away with.  She says she wants to change to the clarinet because her best friend plays it.  Should we let her? The piano is a deceivingly complex instrument. It is easy to start with – the sound is already there and kids can play simple tunes quite quickly. However, the more one progress…

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    The secret nasty reward of feeling guilty

    What on earth can be rewarding about feeling guilty? You must be asking yourself. Guilt is a terrible feeling. How can it possibly be rewarding? Once upon a time I used to feel guilty most of the time. Guilty for spending too much time at work. Guilty for being with my kids instead of working. Guilty for spending time with the kids while wishing I could be at work, and guilty for working while missing my kids. There was no escape. Guilt is a funny emotion. On the one hand, it makes you feel bad about yourself. It saps your energy and spoils your fun by filling your brain with…

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    Ten apologies too far

      Last week my man and I found ourselves in North Yorkshire, visiting a beautiful medieval castle. We entered the little shop in order to pay for our entry. A six-year old girl and a slightly older boy were standing there, holding their loot. ‘Move aside!’ Mum said to the boy hurriedly, leading him with her arm. ‘The lady and gentleman need to get in.’ ‘That’s very kind’, I replied with a smile. ‘We are just queuing here to pay, there is plenty of room.’ ‘Oh sorry,’ She smiled apologetically ‘My kids are spending their pocket money. Sorry’ ‘Your kids look lovely and we have time.’ I replied. ‘No need to…